i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
