But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Boobs are out for the taking
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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