So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
