my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize