Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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