K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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