just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
