Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
