we have pet lesbian snakes
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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