if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
