So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
