I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize