Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
