You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Holy sore nipples Batman
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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