she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
