i permit you to call me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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