i wish my penis had a tongue
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
