Got a toothbrush?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
