I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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