I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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