we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
