If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
