On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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