I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
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