Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
