I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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