I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
how drunk are you?
Several
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
