I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
