Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
