I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize