I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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