At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
