So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
