Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
