i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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