True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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