if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think my vagina is haunted
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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