we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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