i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
