he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
