Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
