I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
