Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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