He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Hippo gnu deer
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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