Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
smell my finger.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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