stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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