I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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