This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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