He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
