i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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