if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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