We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
