Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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