Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
