Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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