Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
