And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
