this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
