My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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