By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
