no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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