Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
