my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
