just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We got so high we made milksteak
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
